You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.