chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.