he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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