I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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