just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
