I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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