oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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