K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
