my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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