you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
as a side note pls kill me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
