i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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