I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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