I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
