I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
