Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
