On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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