put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
