the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
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Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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