Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
