I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
