I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
