I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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