I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
