it wasn't lemon gatorade
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
