Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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