It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I forget how to act sober
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