Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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