is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
