HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
