Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
