There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
