Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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