I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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