I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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