i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
