What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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