I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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