I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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