Don't make out with my wife yet
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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