I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dicks are not precious.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
