I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
