there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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