i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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