i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
