i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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