i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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