my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
