DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
