you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
