I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
