TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
