i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
