a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
