Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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