Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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