we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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