I'm pants shitting drunk right now
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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