Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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