I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
