i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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