I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My bed smells like the plague
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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