What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
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Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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