What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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