I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
